Floating Workshop
March 25, 2008
121as
Hey guys, underneath i have the first essay we had to do about remembered events. The event i chose is something so special to me but I’m not going to ruin the topic. I felt good about writing this essay but some concerns that i had about it is that the professor said that my topic is hard to express so any feedback would be great…anything that i can improve so readers will like it better and understand the emotions better. Hope you guys enjoy reading it.
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1.
121rz | March 26, 2008 at 10:42 am
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name____ Altea Shehu __ Peer’s name__ Rexhina Ziti ____
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
It was a very beautiful love story, and you could see that loving someone else could change the person you are.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES What do you see as that purpose? Shows that things you never expect could always happen your life could never be too planned out.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Everyone, because everyone in there life would fall in love once and know how it feels
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Mostly 18- 26 year olds, they are the ones that love, love stories, and they could see that they could get something unexpected.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. the description was very clear, you could see where they were, and what they were wearing.
b. the tone of the story showed how much thought and passion was put into writing this story.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Finding the one I was meant to be with made me grow up faster than anticipated and accept my new role as a woman at a young age.
Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: yes you knew where they were and what they were doing, and who was there, it was very clear.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
I would like if you could describe how the ring looked.
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
It was done through her memories.
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
She was there she experienced the whole event
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
none
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
none
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? YES
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
2.
121emp | March 26, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name Altea Shehu Peer’s name Liz Perez
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I thought the narrative was romantic and inspiring.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
“YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
Demonstrates Altea’s growth from girl to woman.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Young girls that are romantic at heart.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. All girls wish for one thing as they tend to get a bit more mature; their prince charming.
b. Detailing the exact seen of the proposal
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Finding the one I was meant to be with made me grow up faster than anticipated and accept my new role as
a woman at a young age.
Is the thesis specific enough? *YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 *YES NO Par. 5 *YES NO
Par. 2 *YES NO Par. 6 *YES NO
Par. 3 *YES NO Par. 7 *YES NO
Par. 4 *YES NO Par. 8 *YES NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? *YES NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
I am intrigued by the build up and the climax of the story was written with great passion… nothing uninteresting.
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
*YES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? *YES NO Comment:
I was able to follow the story perfectly!
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? *YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 #4 5 6 7 8 Why? Because we don’t know how he got around to asking her out; what did it feel like etc
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
No one, its just her memory.
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
No one.
b. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
Aa narrative of her own memory and recollection of the event.
c. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
Yes they are.
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? *YES NO
b. Present the thesis? *YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? *YES NO
d. Comments: I liked it; it gave us a foreshadowing of what was to come.
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? *YES NO
b Provide something new to think about? *YES NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? *YES NO
d. Comments: Love the story!!
3.
121rk | March 26, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name________Altea_______ Peer’s name_____Richard________________
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I was moved. Its one of those perfect love stories you see in movies and reminds me somewhat of my own story with my girlfriend. I loved the essay.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
*YES NO What do you see as that purpose? It shows its readers that love is unpredictable and that when you find that real one and only someone, it is truly love.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Anyone would be interested because it applies to anyone.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
It applies to people who are truly in love and people who are on the border of making that final decision of who they want to be with for the rest of their life.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. I went from a girl who was so self-centered to a woman who realized what life had to offer and that making another person happy had it own bliss.
b. The day will come where every little girl will get her wish as she grows up.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Finding the one I was meant to be with made me grow up faster than anticipated and accept my new role as a woman at a young age.
Is the thesis specific enough? *YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 *YES NO Par. 5 *YES NO
Par. 2 *YES NO Par. 6 *YES NO
Par. 3 *YES NO Par. 7 *YES NO
Par. 4 *YES NO Par. 8 *YES NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: Yes, she explained everything clearly and I wouldn’t change anything.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? *YES NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
*YES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? *YES NO Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? *YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
I personally don’t see a need for more information.
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
Well there was no interview and only a conversation with her fiancé.
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
They are a loving couple and the speech brought the story together.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
Yes they are.
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? *YES NO
b. Present the thesis? *YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? *YES NO
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? *YES NO
b Provide something new to think about? *YES NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? *YES NO
d. Comments:
4.
121tmc | March 26, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name: Altea Shehu Peer’s name: Tiffany Cioffi
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
It’s a cute story.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
NO What do you see as that purpose?
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Girls.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Teenage girls. It’s appropriate, but not exactly realistic. There are boys that are going to read this, and may not like it.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. The day will come where every little girl will get her wish as she grows up. All girls wish for one thing as they tend to get a bit more mature; their prince charming.
b. His smile brightened up my whole day as I would think of how lucky I was to have found such a sweet and loving person.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Finding the one I was meant to be with made me grow up faster than anticipated and accept my new role as a woman at a young age.
Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
Yes.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
The clothes that your boyfriend wears don’t really add much to the story.
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
None.
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
None.
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
Real experience, conversation.
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
Yes.
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? NO
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? YES
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
5.
Kanwal Jehan | March 26, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name_Altea________ Peer’s name___Kanwal Jehan_______________________
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
As I read through the essay, I could feel your excitement of love, fear of guilt (hiding this from your father) but apart from that it is a good story. It felt happy for you my self. I could even foreshadow what was to come.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
*YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
Its for girls who are brought up in such restricted environment and society that they don’t have to end up in arrange marriages and yes! They can still get their prince charming.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
GIRLS mostly. Girls who can’t choose their life partners openly. Girls who are in restricted environments.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Girls, female mostly and Yes! This is the appropriate audience for the subject.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. He loved me unconditionally and the way that he treated me made me feel like I was in heaven.
b. My father came to my mind and whether he would accept us being together, whether it would be a fight for Arber or maybe my father would just wish us the best, regardless of the fact that I hid dating Arber.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Finding the one I was meant to be with made me grow up faster than anticipated and accept my new role as a woman at a young age.
Is the thesis specific enough? *YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 *YES NO Par. 5 *YES NO
Par. 2 *YES NO Par. 6 *YES NO
Par. 3 *YES NO Par. 7 *YES NO
Par. 4 *YES NO Par. 8 *YES NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
Yes she has covered all the topics. She has written in detail about the places about her fiancé.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? *YES NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
*YES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? *YES NO Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? *YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why? No more information needed. She has covered enough. It’s like a fairytale but few small mistakes need to be corrected.
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
Fiance
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
She’s writing about him basically.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
None
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
Yes
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? *YES NO
b. Present the thesis? *YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? *YES NO
d. Comments: good job
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? *YES NO
b Provide something new to think about? *YES NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? *YES NO
d. Comments: nicely ended
6.
121lca | March 26, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Essay writer’s name__Altea Peer’s name__Lourdes_
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I loved the introduction. I had an idea right away of what the story would be about.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
That every girl at some point in their life gets what she wants
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Any girl looking for their charming prince
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
It’s appropriate to all ages in my opinion
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a.
b.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
The most important day of my life came when I changed from a girl to a woman
Is the thesis specific enough? YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES NO Par. 5 YES NO
Par. 2 YES NO Par. 6 YES NO
Par. 3 YES NO Par. 7 YES NO
Par. 4 YES NO Par. 8 YES NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: I think that everything has been covered but that you could have talked more about how other people view your relationship.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES NO Comment:
It’s a very interesting story that I think can also relate to me
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES NO
b. Present the thesis? YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES NO
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES NO
b Provide something new to think about? YES NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES NO
d. Comments:
You could have written on your father’s reaction to your engagement news
7.
121kra | March 26, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name_Altea _ Peer’s name_Kristina Afrides
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
Well since I’ve heard it before I knew what it was about but as I told you before I think that the topic is definitely a good choice because it is clearly something that will and has changed your life.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES What do you see as that purpose?
To give readers hope about the future.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Anyone, but I personally think that this is more of a girl’s paper than a guy’s. I’m not quite sure that every guy, unless very sentimental and sweet, will really care much for your proposal, but as for us ladies…you know we all love sappy love stories, that’s why they call the movies like this Chick Flicks. Otherwise I think that this paper could reach out to quite a few different age groups and it is good in that sense.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Anyone, but I personally think that this is more of a girl’s paper than a guy’s. I’m not quite sure that every guy, unless very sentimental and sweet, will really care much for your proposal, but as for us ladies…you know we all love sappy love stories, that’s why they call the movies like this Chick Flicks. Otherwise I think that this paper could reach out to quite a few different age groups and it is good in that sense.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. words used
b.the story itself
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Well I hate to seem like I’m quoting from a Disney movie but somehow, “someday my prince will come” seems to fit well for this paper.
Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
These paragraph by paragraph don’t really apply but the end result that the paragraphs lead to are related to the thesis.
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
yes
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
however maybe not to a guy, but otherwise it seems like a fairytale love story.
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES If not, explain here:
There is definitely no question about that
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
They all seem fine
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
It was her experience
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
She knows the story first hand
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
quotes
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
yes
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
8.
121dtf | March 26, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name Altea Shehu _______________ Peer’s name_Dayna Teague Flynn__
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I had expected what happened but at the same time I was shocked about it.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
(YES) NO What do you see as that purpose?
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Any young girl who loves stories about prince Charming.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Young girls. Yes very appropriate.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. It talks about something that every little girls wants in their life.
b. It shows that fairy tales can come true.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
. I was ready to grow up and accept responsibility for the new adventures as a couple throughout life and not just as an individual.
Is the thesis specific enough? (YES) NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 (YES) NO Par. 5 (YES) NO
Par. 2 (YES) NO Par. 6 (YES) NO
Par. 3 (YES) NO Par. 7 (YES) NO
Par. 4 (YES) NO Par. 8 (YES) NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
Yes
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? (YES) NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
(YES) NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? (YES) NO Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? (YES) NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
You and your fiance
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
You were both there
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
you and your boyfriend
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
yes
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? (YES) NO
b. Present the thesis? (YES) NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? (YES) NO
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? (YES) NO
b Provide something new to think about? (YES) NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? (YES) NO
d. Comments:
9.
121pon | March 27, 2008 at 7:54 am
Peer Reviewer: Philip On
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
Sounds like a cute story.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
“YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
Judging from her title, it details on how she grows up from a young woman to an adult.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Girls that are into romance, and those that require inspiration in their lives.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
It’s mostly directed towards female dreamers. Though you could say it is directed towards those who have ever experienced love.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. Girls are always looking for that special person.
b. Finding the one I was meant to be with made me grow up faster than anticipated and accept my new role as a woman at a young age.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Finding the one I was meant to be with made me grow up faster than anticipated and accept my new role as
a woman at a young age.
Is the thesis specific enough? *YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 *YES NO Par. 5 *YES NO
Par. 2 *YES NO Par. 6 *YES NO
Par. 3 *YES NO Par. 7 *YES NO
Par. 4 *YES NO Par. 8 *YES NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
There are many questions that are not answered. It would be nice if we knew when you were asked to be his girlfriend, and the reaction of your parents to such an event.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? *YES NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
*YES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? *YES NO Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? *YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 #4 5 6 7 8 Why? Because we don’t know how he got around to asking her out; what did it feel like etc
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
No one, its just her memory.
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
No one.
b. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
Just her memory and recollection of the event.
c. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
Yes they are.
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? *YES NO
b. Present the thesis? *YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? *YES NO
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? *YES NO
b Provide something new to think about? *YES NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? *YES NO
d. Comments: Please tell us more about your happy life.
10.
121hob | March 27, 2008 at 8:13 am
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name Altea Shehu Peer’s name Louis Moshe Leon
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
The Notebook lol
Inspiring
AWW
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
“YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
Tell of her development from a girl to a woman.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Young girls, desiring romance or sensitive guys who know how to treat a woman.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
It is directed at an audience of young dreamful girls.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. All girls wish for one thing as they tend to get a bit more mature; their prince charming.
b. Finding the one I was meant to be with made me grow up faster than anticipated and accept my new role as a woman at a young age.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Finding the one I was meant to be with made me grow up faster than anticipated and accept my new role as
a woman at a young age.
Is the thesis specific enough? *YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 *YES NO Par. 5 *YES NO
Par. 2 *YES NO Par. 6 *YES NO
Par. 3 *YES NO Par. 7 *YES NO
Par. 4 *YES NO Par. 8 *YES NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
You told the entire story vaguely at times. You left out the day he asked you to be his girlfriend, how your father reacted to the news at the end. You leave many questions as to what happened, and how did it all go down.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? *YES NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
Nothing was uninteresting.
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
*YES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? *YES NO Comment:
But sometimes you made statements that I understood, but came off a bit ambiguous.
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? *YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 #4 5 6 7 8 Why? Because we don’t know how he got around to asking her out; what did it feel like etc
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
No one, its just her memory.
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
No one.
b. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
Just her memory and recollection of the event.
c. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
Yes they are.
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? *YES NO
b. Present the thesis? *YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? *YES NO
d. Comments: I liked it; it gave us a foreshadowing of what was to come.
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? *YES NO
b Provide something new to think about? *YES NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? *YES NO
d. Comments: Give more details on the aftermath of it all.
11.
121paeb | April 1, 2008 at 9:13 am
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name Altea Peer’s name: Patrice
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1.What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
It was a nice story about the meeting of the man she fell in love with
2.Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES
What do you see as that purpose? To gives girls hope that their prince will come one day.
*3.Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Women fourteen and older.
4.To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Women fourteen or older, because they are the ones who are into romance.
5.List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. She talks about finding her prince.
b. Her transformation from a girl to a woman,
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Every girl has that moment that transforms her into a woman to a man.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: Yes, she describes the people and background very well.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
13.Does the conclusion
a.Remind you of what has been said?YES
bProvide something new to think about? YES
c.Round the essay off smoothly? YES
12.
121amc | April 1, 2008 at 9:16 am
Lourdes Alexis, Philip On, Adrienne Chemel say:
1. My thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph is “The most important day of my life came when I changed from a girl to a woman”. That is what I want to say but I want to word it different. Should I leave it as is or is there a better way of wording it so my thesis statement comes out stronger?
We think that it’s a little vague. How did you know that you changed from a girl to a woman, and why did you change from a girl to a woman? The wording itself is fine.
Maybe though, a better way to word it would be “The most important day of my life was the day when I transitioned from a young woman into a fully grown adult woman…”
2. I like the way that I organized the essay because it goes as how the story went but I added a paragraph or two towards the beginning so the audience can get to know Arber. Does it seem to fit in with the rest of the essay?
Yes. It’s a lovely addition.
3. Is there any way that I can put more detail for the story? Where readers would might want more vivid descriptions?
The story is pretty descriptive, but we’d like to see more of an ending. How did your father react? How did everyone else react to the relationship? We just want to know more about how other people reacted.
13.
121paeb | April 1, 2008 at 9:17 am
1. My thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph is “The most important day of my life came when I changed from a girl to a woman”. That is what I want to say but I want to word it different. Should I leave it as is or is there a better way of wording it so my thesis statement comes out stronger?
Leave it the way it is, because it adds suspense and builds climax, instead of blurting it out in the beginning.
2. I like the way that I organized the essay because it goes as how the story went but I added a paragraph or two towards the beginning so the audience can get to know Arber. Does it seem to fit in with the rest of the essay?
i. It fits well and adds a good back story, but try to make the chronological order clearer.
3. Is there any way that I can put more detail for the story? Where readers would might want more vivid descriptions?
i. The story is detailed enough, and paints a vivid enough story.
14.
121emp | April 1, 2008 at 9:18 am
Responses to Questions
1)I think that the original thesis statement was weak because you weren’t conveying your main idea, but it’t much better now
2) I think that it’s important for the audience to get to know Arber.. it fits
3)I think that the details are revelevant and build-up the narrative very well
15.
121lml | April 1, 2008 at 9:19 am
Please complete the form before coming to class and bring it to peer group. Your teacher may require you to submit these questions.
1. My thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph is “The most important day of my life came when I changed from a girl to a woman”. That is what I want to say but I want to word it different. Should I leave it as is or is there a better way of wording it so my thesis statement comes out stronger?
No, it’s fine; however, you could use the word Transformed” rather than change. The thesis is good.
2. I like the way that I organized the essay because it goes as how the story went but I added a paragraph or two towards the beginning so the audience can get to know Arber.
Does it seem to fit in with the rest of the essay?
We think it did fit in well, and was actually necessary to do, but you left out other details.
3. Is there any way that I can put more detail for the story? Where readers would might want more vivid descriptions?
Yes, you should include more details on how you started dating Arber, what happens when you tell your father about your engagement Give more details on the aftermath of it all.
Group members- Richard Kluz, Dayna Teague Flynn, Louis Moshe Leon
16.
121rz | April 1, 2008 at 9:20 am
Rexhina, Kanwal, Altea, Phanessa…….
the strengeths: very good detailed, showed how she was felling at that moment, through throughout the essay. the converstation she had with her fiance makes the essay stronger. you could picture the event very well.
weakness: could had more dreamy words, it sounds like fairy tale. Repetition.
Questions: the thesis is good.
yes it does because we know to get the know the characters.
there is plenty vivid desctriptions.
Recommendation:wriet it in a more sophisticated way.
17.
121kra | April 1, 2008 at 9:20 am
1. My thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph is “The most important day of my life came when I changed from a girl to a woman”. That is what I want to say but I want to word it different. Should I leave it as is or is there a better way of wording it so my thesis statement comes out stronger?
I am not quite sure how you can rephrase that. I think that if anything you can explain it a little bit more in depth rather than be so general as to say changed from a girl to a woman. This is a thesis statement that could fit everyone’s paper and I think it needs to be a little more specific to your paper. Try something like “getting engaged made me learn that I need to grow up…blah blah blah something like that”
2. I like the way that I organized the essay because it goes as how the story went but I added a paragraph or two towards the beginning so the audience can get to know Arber. Does it seem to fit in with the rest of the essay?
Yes because you need some detail on him because otherwise you can’t know what he is like and it makes him real.
3. Is there any way that I can put more detail for the story? Where readers would might want more vivid descriptions?
If anything I would add more detail to the part of how you met or something about your relationship. It just seems as though we don’t get to know your relationship together.
18.
121tmc | April 1, 2008 at 9:20 am
Written Peer Response
1. I think you should find a different way to word it, if in the end you choose to use that thesis statement at all. I, personally, think you should choose a different thesis statement altogether. I don’t feel that that statement truly summarizes your experience.
2. I think the added paragraphs are really important. Whether or not they fit into the overall story, we as readers do need to know some things about Arber, because he plays such a crucial role in your writing.
3. We don’t need anymore detailing. Some parts are too detailed already (like the clothes that Arber is wearing at times).
19.
121jaw | April 1, 2008 at 9:22 am
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name____Altea____________ Peer’s name___Jordan___________
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I could relate to her situation because my girlfriend was in the same situation
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES* NO What do you see as that purpose?to show how you felt not being able to get something you wanted so bad
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Girls who have guy trouble and trouble with their parents
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
People in relationships and people wanting a relationship with someone
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a.
b.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
That every girl gets her dream at some point as long as they are patient
Is the thesis specific enough? YES* NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES* NO Par. 5 YES* NO
Par. 2 YES* NO Par. 6 YES* NO
Par. 3 YES* NO Par. 7 YES* NO
Par. 4 YES* NO Par. 8 YES* NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: yes she explained all aspects of the story with good detail
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES* NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES* NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES* NO Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES* NO
b. Present the thesis? YES* NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES* NO
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES* NO
b Provide something new to think about? YES* NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES* NO
d. Comments: